Questions answered in this FAQ:

1)  What is a 'munch'?

2)  What is a munch NOT?

3)  Can you add me to the mailing list?

4)  When and where are the Southeastern Michigan munches?

5)  Who do I call or write to to RSVP?

6)  How do I know which group is the munch?

7)  I went to one munch, and there was hardly any talk about SM. Is this normal?

8)  Would a new person be readily accepted, or thought of as a pain in the neck?

9)  I don't have the time or inclination to come to a munch. So could you just send me the names of a few men/women/tops/bottoms/switches so that I can send them email and get to know them?

10)  Please tell me what the ratio of het to queer, or men to women, or singles to couples is at the munch. I only want to attend if the ratio is to my liking.

11)  Whenever I go to a munch, it just isn't queer enough, or het enough, or edgy enough, to suit my taste. Can't you do something about that?

12)  What about other things in Michigan -- can you tell me about SM clubs and play parties?

13)  What is the mailing list for? May I send announcements of events to it?

1)  What is a 'munch'?

A munch is a public gathering of people who share a common interest in SM, D/s, fetish or other alternative sexuality, brought together first by reading the same Usenet newsgroup or electronic mailing list. The very first one, called a "Burgermunch" because it was held at a burger place, was arranged by STella in Palo Alto, California in 1992. The idea was for people who read alt.sex.bondage (the precursor to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm) to get together in person to meet one another, eat and chat. The idea caught on and now many cities across the country have munches, and some other Usenet groups, such as rec.arts.bodyart have their own. The Southeastern Michigan munch started in Ann Arbor in March of 1994 and added the so called "east side" location for the second meeting of the month about two years later.

The munch is a place where people who have an interest in BDSM can come together, without fear of being intimidated or scorned about our practices and lifestyles. The ones in Michigan generally last 3-4 hours, with people coming and going as their schedules permit. Some of us are very active in the leather scene and very "out," others are not. Much of what we talk about is non-BDSM, since this is not the only interest any one person shares with any other, and conversation covers the range of territory that might be expected in any social gathering. Other conversational topics include cats, cooking, jobs, kids, and of course always computers. It's a place where we can make new friends, and see old ones again. It's a place where we can come to relax, and enjoy each others' company without feeling obligated to do or say anything (or not to do or say anything). We can feel free to talk about almost anything at all among friends with similar interests ... and the food is excellent.

The munches are at a public place, so there are going to be regular people there. Please behave in a manner that will not get us thrown out; a few kisses or bites are ok, groping or using a paddle is not. While dressing in leather, black, or other fetish clothing is fine, please save the more scanty versions of these outfits for a club or play party. At Zingerman's, please do NOT bring any obvious toys to show off at the table. Interested people can always admire them in the parking lot, later.

2)  What is a munch NOT?

A munch is not a personals club or a how-to demonstration. It's not a play party, and it's not a place to come and pick people up for sex or play. Many of the people who attend are there because it's a relaxed, pressure free environment where they can be free from people hitting on them, as opposed to going to bars or clubs. Many of us are involved in relationships, some monogamous, some polyamorous. Some are lesbian/gay, some bisexual, some are het. We are all there just to have a good time and talk and eat.

Keep in mind that people have different levels of comfort. Asking, "Are you a top or a bottom?", or "But do you beat on women?" to one person is a great conversation opener, while to another is too intrusive and feels like being hit on. Curiosity and questions are welcomed. Posed to the group in general, a question often turns into an interesting and informative discussion for all. What is unwelcome to some people is personal questions into their sexual preferences, experiences, or orientation. If you feel uncomfortable with a question you're asked, it's important to be willing to say so. If someone is acting uncomfortable when you are asking them questions, it's important to be willing to back off.

Remember that just because a person is there at the munch doesn't mean that they want to play or have sex with you. Just because someone is bisexual or polyamorous, doesn't mean that they want to play or have sex with you. In fact, many people there really resent having someone come onto them at the munches, especially if you've only just met them. Get to know someone pretty well before you even bring up the subject of sex or playing. For some people, it's a very intimate and personal activity, and they want to get to know you before you start talking about it. So don't be hitting on people. You're expected to treat others with polite respect: you may be several people's dom or sub, pet or bottom or top, but you won't have that relationship with everyone at the table; don't act as if you do.

3)  Can you add me to the mailing list?

Sorry, I can't do that. I'm not the 'owner' of the mailing list. And you can't be added until you've been to at least one munch and met at least some people in person. Sounds silly maybe, but that's the extra level of security people wanted when it was set up.

Once you have been to at least one munch, either the Ann Arbor or Sterling Heights one, you can send a message to asb_michigan-owner@yahoogroups.com to subscribe to the list. In the message, mention which munch you attended and someone you spoke to there. To unsubscribe send a blank email message to asb_michigan-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com.

Alternatively, you can unsubscribe using the Yahoo web page. Go to www.yahoogroups.com and click on the group name. On the upper right side of the page you'll see a link called "Delivery Options" to click on. Here you can also change your delivery to "Digest" or "No-mail". You will have to be a member of Yahoo to use this method. If you aren't a member of Yahoo go to www.yahoo.com and fill out the membership information.

The list is very low volume, usually just reminders of munches, and once in a while some other SM related event.

4)  When and where are the Southeastern Michigan munches?

They are on the first Friday of every month at Amici's at 43636 Schoenherr (cross street Canal) in Sterling Heights, and the third Saturday of every month at Zingerman's Delicatessen (Next Door, upstairs) on Detroit St. at Kingsley in Ann Arbor. Both start at 7:00pm and go until whenever. (Zingerman's closes at 10:00pm; Amici's closes at midnight.)

You can call Zingerman's at (734) 663-3354 or Amici's at (810) 247-3686 if you need directions. Please do NOT ask me for directions.

Neither of these places know that we are meeting there, we just show up. So please do NOT ask them details about the munch -- they won't know the answer.

5)  Who do I call or write to to RSVP? What kind of info do I need to provide about myself?

You don't need to call at all, just show up. No info needed, either. It's not a sit down restaurant, just a cafe, so no reservations either.

6)  How do I know which group is the munch? I don't want to embarrass myself by approaching the wrong people.

Look for the loudest group, and just ask, "is this the munch?" If you get a blank stare, try again with the next loudest group. It's usually not that hard to pick us out.

7)  I went to one munch, and there was hardly any talk about SM. Is this normal? Was I at the right table? How come there was no structure, and not enough kinky talk?

Talk at the munch does often turn to BDSM themes, but usually in a very light way. Munches are social gatherings for perverts, not educational events (so expecting discussions of technique, etc, are somewhat misplaced), and not necessarily places geared for newbies, although they seem to be pretty OK about not scaring newbies off, either.

Also, when I say social, I mean that in the loose sense -- in other words, it's a place for perverts to be social, not a social event geared toward BDSM stuff. In other other words, content is not mandated, or even guidelined. People can talk about whatever they want -- in fact, a good definition of munches may well be that it's an event for BDSM people to get together socially in public and talk about whatever they want.

8)  Would a new person be readily accepted, or thought of as a pain in the neck? I don't want to attend a group where I would be considered an intruder.

New people are always welcome, and are not considered by anyone I know to be a "pain in the neck". After all, those who go to munches go there to meet people, so in general, the more the merrier! On the other hand, new people may not necessarily get formally introduced around or explicitly "drawn in" to the conversation either. It may depend on whether you're an introvert or extravert and which the person you sit next to happens to be. There is no facilitator or host that is in charge of welcoming new people. Since I'm fairly introverted, I was fairly quiet for the first half dozen or so munches I went to, but listening was always comfortable for me and interesting, and now I know a lot of people and am much more talkative. I can't say if your experience will be the same or different than this, however.

I suggest you give it a try, and try at least a few times before you decide if it's right for you.

9)  I don't have the time or inclination to come to a munch. So could you just send me the names of a few men/women/tops/bottoms/switches so that I can send them email and get to know them?

Definitely NOT. This is not a dating service or a new way to send out personal ads. Feel free to attend the munch or not attend it, but this is out of the question.

10)  Please tell me what the ratio of het to queer, or men to women, or singles to couples is at the munch. I only want to attend if the ratio is to my liking.

I really can't necessarily tell whether someone at the munch is het or queer, or in a couple or not, by just looking at them. Even whether they identify as a man or a woman, or neither, may not be so obvious. So unless it is someone I personally know well and have talked to many times, I am not going to know these things. Besides this, the crowd is different every time and I don't attend every time, so there is really no way for me to answer this question in a useful way. I suggest attending a few times to see if you feel comfortable. But keep in mind that just because people aren't exactly like you, that doesn't mean that you won't get something out of attending.

11)  Whenever I go to a munch, it just isn't queer enough, or het enough, or edgy enough, to suit my taste. Can't you do something about that?

The munch is explicitly designed to be open to all genders, orientations and proclivities. If you don't feel comfortable, then don't come back, but I would hope you'd stick it out a few more times. Who knows, some people may be different than they appear, or you may have more in common with them than you think.

Another thing to consider is that if you keep attending, then once in a while, when a person you are looking for shows up, they will meet you, and come back, instead of grumbling, "there are no [whatevers] here" and never coming back. Soon, there could be a bunch of [whatevers]. In other words, you have the power to make the munch more welcoming to people like you, by attending!

12)  What about other things in Michigan -- can you tell me about SM clubs and play parties? After all, you know everything about the Michigan scene, don't you?

Actually, I don't. I can't tell you about things like this because I personally know nothing about them. But do feel free to show up and ask around, as some people in the group may have information to pass around, or may know about local upcoming events. Don't expect a detailed itinerary - you may only get a few vague pointers, and some directions on where else to look.

13)  What is the mailing list for? May I send announcements of events to it?

The mailing list is primarily for the purpose of coordinating the munches. Hence munch announcements go to it, as do discussions of whether to move the munch to a new location, change the frequency or the day, etc. Announcements of other related events are also welcome, if they are either local, or SM, kinky, or fetish related. However, personal ads of any sort ARE NOT welcome. Sometimes people also send a message about a party, or dance that is SM-friendly, queer-friendly, or just an outing to the Renaissance Faire. If an item is neither local nor about some sort of alternative sexuality, then it doesn't belong on this list.

Written by Stephanie Moore-Fuller with a lot of help from Bob (Bomber) Johnson, Lori Selke, and a few others. If you have questions you don't see addressed here, please write to Jimo3@aol.com. If you have modifications, additions, or suggestions for the FAQ, please send them to the mailing list once you are a member.